Desire burning she ignites
They flock like moths to flame
Doe eyed and deep nights
Dancing fingers slide; scarlet lips slur
Am I all you desire?
Voice like sunshine, an electric soul
I bet you’re a pretty liar
There are two things that Bec knows better than most. The first, that men only want what benefits them and secondly, this doesn’t change with age. She doesn’t mind knowing this but she can’t understand how others ignore it, nor does she want to listen to them whinge about it.
It’s 5am when she arrives home. No ones ever awake at this time and this is the way she likes it. No questions, no bother. Just walk inside, shower and curl into bed. Unfortunately, she pulls into the driveway sees the lights on inside.
“Ughh, fuck me” She grunts, slamming the door as she enters the house. It’s obvious something’s wrong. The couch is pushed against the wall, tissues are piled up near the television and there are footsteps rushing frantically around upstairs. Bec dumps her bag on the ground and makes her way upstairs. As she reaches the top, a bag and pile of clothes is suddenly thrown out and lands at her feet. Bec pulls her coat on tighter and stares at the door ajar. Lacey pops her head out and pauses.
“What are you do-“She stops mid sentence. “What are you wearing?” Lacey’s eyebrows disappear under her fringe and her mouth gapes. Bec pulls her coat firmly against her and looks down at her fuck-me-boots. She rolls her eyes and lets out a sigh.
‘My uniform. Look, I’m going to bed.’
‘What do you mean uniform? Lacey pushes her way out the door and over the clothes. Bec steps back and turns to go to her room. ‘You wear those to work?’ She scoffs. Bec flicks her head back and stares sharply at Lacey. It’s 5am and she’s willing to start an argument now.
‘It’s late and I’m going to bed.’ Bec’s voice is chilling.
‘Hang on-‘ Lacey starts.
‘No, Lacey. Fuck off.’ Bec shuts her doors, leaving Lacey standing there with her mouth ajar.
The computer monitor is humming and the room glows a dim blue. Daniel sits, headphones crowding his tiny head; lips slightly parted and right hand clicking furiously. Bec sits on the bed, watching. It’s been hours now, at first it was fine- she caught up on all her favourite shows, scrolled through Tumblr and ate dinner but now it was getting ridiculous. He could stare at that screen all day and only leave to eat and shit. Daniel had no understanding of relationships anymore, let alone hygiene. She had started to hate the stubble that smothered his face and the flabby layer beginning to coat his slim frame. She can’t remember the last time they fucked, or felt remotely attractive.
‘Can you get off soon?’ Bec pleads, already knowing the answer. His lips close and he gulps in air. He’s being resuscitated. Coming back to life. He stares at her, his chalky blue eyes watering.
‘Sure,’ Daniel smiles, ‘in a bit. I just have to finish this…’ He turns back to the computer. Bec showers. Gets changed. Combs her hair and curls into bed.
‘This is a fucking joke.’ She sighs but no one hears.
It’s 7pm and Jade is staring at Bec’s face. At first it looks like Bec might vomit but than she rolls her eyes and smiles. It’s an expression that says ‘can this chick can shut the fuck up?’ Lacey is speaking in a high-pitched drone, detailing the many explicit and fascinating-at least to her-stories of her love life. Jade sits nodding, her face blank and eyes glazed.
‘I told him I love him. He’s so fucking perfect. Look, look at this picture!’ Lacey pushes the phone towards the girls. ‘He looks like that guy, you know… umm the sexy one…’ She pauses, her eyes closed; face twitching. ‘Liam Hemsworth!’ She shouts, thrilled with herself. Bec and Jade stare at the picture. There’s a twenty-six year old man with greasy skin, jelled hair and beady blue eyes. His face glows a light crimson and as Lacey flicks through photos, it becomes apparent that this man is certainly no Liam Hemsworth. Jade quickly flicks her eyes at Bec, who is already watching her. They exchange the ‘she’s-deluded-look’.
‘Well? What do ya think?’ Lacey coos staring at the picture. Jade shuffles, preparing to start battle.
‘He’s alright if you’re into that.’ Jade bluntly remarks. This week Lacey had fucked her ex-boyfriend. Started semi-dating a family friend called Ash, until she kicked him out and now was talking about this guy. She met him in a club in Melbourne. Rooted him and now, in typical Lacey fashion was in love with him. Bec didn’t bother speaking, there was no need. Jade had made Lacey’s jaw drop and eyes turn cold.
‘What do you mean?’ Lacey snarls.
‘I mean, you’re in love with a new guy every week. You have issues.’
‘Fuck you, no I don’t.’ Lacey snarls. ‘You’re the one with issues, fucking a forty-year old. Did he grey pubes?’ Lacey spits. Jade laughs.
‘Are you for real?’ Jade chuckles, ‘You broke up with your boyfriend for Ash. You told him you loved him, then kicked him out and now you’re in love with some dude who wanted a one night stand, not a fucking girlfriend!’ She is laughing uncontrollably now. ‘At least I don’t have daddy issues that make me want to fuck anything that moves.’ Jade’s voice runs cold, making the room eerily quiet. Lacey looks from Jade to Bec, who at this point is struggling not to laugh herself.
‘What about you?’ Lacey speaks softly, almost pleading. Bec turns and looks at both of them.
‘Honestly, he’s no Liam Hemworth.’ She mutters. ‘But you can fuck who you want and tell them you love them if you like. I don’t care. Your life, Lace.’
Bec shouldn’t be surprised that technology gave him a better orgasm than sex ever could. He spent nearly all hours of the day in front of a screen, intoxicated by fake lives, false characters and an alternate reality so far removed from his own.
‘Look at her face!’ Daniel pulls one side of the headphone off, ‘Look at the detail. It’s incredible!’ He stares at her face and smiles widely. He used to smile that way when he looked at her. It’s his happiest smile, doesn’t happen often but she’d memorized it. Bec leans in, wraps her arms around his shoulders and breathes down his neck, before planting kisses along his jaw line. She slides her hands down his stomach and to his pants. Before she reaches his cock, he flinches.
‘Not now Bec. I’m busy.’ He peels her hands off him.
‘What the fuck is this?’ Bec screeches. She slams her fists on his desk, slides them to the side pushing everything off his desk. ‘I’m not that girl! I’m not some insecure fucking idiot who stays in this pathetic version of a relationship.’ Her face is fierce but Daniel doesn’t notice. He’s too busy staring at the mess on the floor, annoyed he has to remove himself from his game and clean it up.
‘Bec, what the hell?’
‘Oh get fucked. I’m done.’
‘Bec wait!’ Daniel calls and runs after her, stopping at the door because he was still in his underwear. ‘Wait!’ Bec slams her foot on the accelerator and winds down her window, being sure he can see her middle finger waving frantically out of it.
‘Get a life!’ She screams.
They stare at her with dark eyes, void. Their jaws are clenched and eyes flickering with every movement of her body. She’s not the main show but she’s still a show, a spectacle to see. She leans down, bending until she’s on her knees. She crawls towards the man with buttoned shirt and tie; she pulls him towards her with it. She places his hands on her bra clasp and shimmies in his face. He puts two and two together, struggles with the clasps but eventually takes of her bra. The music gets louder as she throws the bra behind her, sliding it off the stage. She stands tall once more, her breasts illuminated in the glowing lights. The lights move around the stage, when they leave her eyes she can see the many glaring eyes of men. Each one enticed by her presence. Her existence. She was in complete control. There were women staring too, some in awe and appreciation, others in disgust or anguish. Bec smiles wider. Not giving a single fuck.
Bec enters the living room and finds Jade spread out on the couch. She’s drawing in her art dairy, large eyes are staring out from the page. Bec liked Jade. She had an ability to never have emotion or feeling. She had never felt love. Not love between parents, family or even the love of a partner. She had been in relationships of course, but never did she ‘feel’. Bec once told Jade that she had been given the ideal name for herself, as she was a jaded bitch.
‘Lacey was throwing Ash’s stuff out last night.’ Bec informs, as she takes a seat. Jade smirks, anything to do with Lacey’s relationships amused them.
‘It’d be for the ‘Hemsworth’ guy’ Jade chuckles, making the inverted commas with her fingers. Bec laughs too. ‘How’s work?’ Jade murmurs, her eyes flickering to Bec’s face.
‘I still don’t get it.’ Jade’s eyes run back to her drawing. Bec rolls her eyes.
‘There’s nothing to get.’ Jade sits back and folds her arms. Bec shuffles, knowing this is going to result in uncomfortable interrogation.
‘You don’t need to do this to feel attractive.’ Jade mutters.
‘I’m not doing it for that.’
‘You don’t need to do it, is what I’m trying to say.’
‘Honestly… I just like it.’ Bec says softly. ‘I just like knowing I’m free.’ Jade shakes her head. It’s not that she was against Bec’s ‘exotic dancing’ but more that Bec had started this after a sexless relationship.
‘Well, if it makes you happy I don’t care. Do what you want girl.’ Jade smiles and goes back to her drawings. There’s a noise upstairs and moment later Lacey is down stairs. She’s holding three garbage bags. She doesn’t bother talking to the girls; instead she smiles abruptly and heads outside, dumping the bags next to her car.
‘Wonder when we’ll be seeing this new guy?’ Jade sniggers and Bec smirks, watching Lacey dump the bags in her car.